Solution For Sensitive Skin

Last week I wrote enthusiastically about witch hazel, USP (86% distillate, 14% alcohol) as a moisturizing aftershave. Now, brace yourselves as I blow the lid off this momentous news in pre-shave skin preparation: Dollar Tree's Assured brand "Witch Hazel Solution."

"Was I, then, a monster, a blot upon the earth, from
 which all men fled and whom all men disowned?"

Like Rosewater

I should have figured this out months ago, corresponding with a member of one of my former G+ groups, who was using what I thought of as "toner" as his pre-shave cleanse. I eventually tried some rosewater, but so sparingly, and mixed with other preparations, that I missed the full effect.

Today, as I looked longingly at my fancy-smelling, glycerin-laden PdP No. 63, sensing that I couldn't withstand it, I finally remembered this other witch hazel. It says right on the label, "cleanse and soothe." I've prescribed this very prep before, without having even tried it myself.

Well, I'm always game for a complete upheaval of routine. I splashed it on, rubbed vigorously, wiped and rinsed. With no other preparation, I bowl lathered the PdP and applied with my boar brush. The prep was not lather killing, like alcohol or alum. And I shaved...

Like a Gorilla

My gentle Tech, normally an agile performer, suddenly dragged as coarsely as a 300-lb. anchor, scraping the hair loudly. Had I become stupid? I was trying ATG on the first pass, XTG... my usual tension-guidance system was completely thrown out of whack! So I deliberately followed form: long, sliding WTG/XTG strokes in a "V" pattern, and two subsequent ATG passes. The hair was quite hard, as I had not showered, and I didn't get BBS. But I was certanly completely shaven, without a single nick or abrasion; indeed, scarcely having felt the blade.

Heartbreaking

Like, once or twice, the stars and my skin cells have aligned in such a way that I could splash aftershave on myself like a normal person. I didn't push it today, but I could tell from the dilute Lime Sec I did apply that I wouldn't have felt that, either. I dried down pretty tight still, indicating that maybe I should have. Moving directly on to cocoa butter, there was no itching or bumps.

So, this is what it's like. All of you pasty-faced, glycerin-soap, gappy-razor, knuckle-gripping idiots... I f--ing hate you.