Through an endless series of N=1 experiments, I discovered several "perfect shave" formulas, or rather, procedures, using cosmetic commodities. Yet even my best preps with oil cleansing, baking soda and pumpkin juice, based on diligent bathroom research (and some novel theory), which did reliably soften the hair, usually fell short of the magical effortlessness that I knew was possible, and indeed continued to experience on occasion.
I was particularly haunted by the memory of something odd that happened to me one summer day, when I was swimming in the ocean at Portsmouth, NH. My waterlogged skin felt itchy, and when I scratched at it, I found what looked like iron filaments on my fingertips. I examined the sand... no match. Peering more closely, I could see a tubular structure. OMG, is some sea creature attacking? No -- it was my beard! Normally tougher than metal wire, when exploded by seawater, it could be removed without even a blade, as if the ocean were depilatory cream. (Unfortunately, I didn't think to pick up a clam shell and groom, at the time. I probably hadn't even regressed to DE yet.)
Frustrated in my research, and facing another hard-skinned winter, I resorted to a more evil science, using highly active, glycerin-based preshaves. Emulating people with dry skin and coarser hair, I deliberately tried to push water from the surface inward. All the while, fully realizing that the modern cosmetic approach just wasn't natural, or good for my skin. Recklessly, I cursed my genetic inheritance.
Ironically, the spirit of my ancestors redeemed me then. You see, I've always had a kind of special recall ability, now accentuated by being middle aged. I won't say photographic. It's hard to access sometimes, needing rational pointers, but self-analysis is the essence of my personality. So, with only shreds of first-hand instruction, glued to large swaths of generic information from the internet, I am able to piece together something like the lost manuscript of what the elders knew, in my mind. Sometimes this approach yields details which today's shaving culture has long forgotten.
Sometimes, it reveals mass hysteria ("sensitive skin") and repression (sliding strokes). You might say, cultural reclamation is what this whole blog has been about. But around Halloween 2016, the crowning achievement was attained, the ultimate breakthrough. The mysterious beard-softening factor? Soluble dietary fiber: apples, oatmeal, flaxseed. That day at the beach, I had snacked on fruit; just eating infuses an oily beard with natural, healthful emulsifier, from within! You don't have to make a gel of shaving oil and pectin, like I did. But my great aunt taught me about jelly-making, so that's where I was coming from in my research. Which, in turn, allowed me to remember my paternal grandfather rubbing apple scraps on his face, when I was four. (Applying both fiber and fruit acid.)
I prefer eating my cores before shaving, and applying a little essence of the ocean to my face instead, encapsulating the natural order. Potassium bicarbonate opens hair to mass transfer, bringing the oil in, and the fiber out. Those days after yard work, my own plasma, the ocean within, played the part. But of these three -- fiber, salt, and acid -- fiber is the greatest. In contemporary terms, it is the cure for wiry hair. Without any other treatment, bristle feels softer, and skin soothed, even before the first splash of water is applied.
There is a quicker, easier path, leading one's complexion to a certain risk. In my sixth year, large shaving brushes seduced me into preparing my soap solution in a bowl or scuttle exclusively. Naturally, I started adding enhancements, like oil and fragrance. Six tiny granules of table sugar, I found, softened my hair perfectly. The magic of fiber, largely polysaccharide, seems to be multiplied greatly by the dimeric sucrose. Double the optimum amount of sugar actually reduced hair tension to the detriment of the shave, and started ashing my skin. Just a tiny pinch was very exfoliating, and left my skin lifeless. If you're the Chosen One with ingrown hairs, or even acne, it might be worth sucking up to sugar. Together, you may defeat dead skin cells. I'd still worry about advanced glycation endproducts, and as always, stay out of the sun.
Soapmakers should rather formulate with Benefiber than vegetable glycerin, in my opinion. I suppose the long history of botanical creams and milk soaps shows that they've been trying, and there are limits. As a dabbler in the lather arts, I will touch my flaxseed infusion freezer pop to the inside of a scuttle, and thus quickly add a preservative-free, water-based botanical active. Try a pinch of psyllium husk powder, if you've got it. Fiber seems to bring balance to the osmotic force in lather, protecting from the deeper destruction of sugar, and soothing glycerin's sting. Still, I sense greater power in its consumption. FEEL the fiber, let it flow... Artisans and corporations might never productize what the enlightened master can accomplish, right now, in the kitchen. (Vanishes, leaving an empty bathrobe and a shaving brush.)
Gentlemen... ladies. I congratulate you, more than myself. Frederick Douglass said, "Once you learn to read, you will be forever free." Let history record that I was but a fool and a slave, shaving every wrong way suggested to me, learning everything the hard way. I don't know if what I've done could add up to a book (The Life of Launderville?) or what the market is for such a thing; but, I believe that with this disquisition, I have at least finally documented it all. The mission of this blogulific institution is thus fulfilled. To the future leaders of shaving: I wish you better luck.
Ironically, the spirit of my ancestors redeemed me then. You see, I've always had a kind of special recall ability, now accentuated by being middle aged. I won't say photographic. It's hard to access sometimes, needing rational pointers, but self-analysis is the essence of my personality. So, with only shreds of first-hand instruction, glued to large swaths of generic information from the internet, I am able to piece together something like the lost manuscript of what the elders knew, in my mind. Sometimes this approach yields details which today's shaving culture has long forgotten.
 |
| "Tell me about your lather." |
Sometimes, it reveals mass hysteria ("sensitive skin") and repression (sliding strokes). You might say, cultural reclamation is what this whole blog has been about. But around Halloween 2016, the crowning achievement was attained, the ultimate breakthrough. The mysterious beard-softening factor? Soluble dietary fiber: apples, oatmeal, flaxseed. That day at the beach, I had snacked on fruit; just eating infuses an oily beard with natural, healthful emulsifier, from within! You don't have to make a gel of shaving oil and pectin, like I did. But my great aunt taught me about jelly-making, so that's where I was coming from in my research. Which, in turn, allowed me to remember my paternal grandfather rubbing apple scraps on his face, when I was four. (Applying both fiber and fruit acid.)
I prefer eating my cores before shaving, and applying a little essence of the ocean to my face instead, encapsulating the natural order. Potassium bicarbonate opens hair to mass transfer, bringing the oil in, and the fiber out. Those days after yard work, my own plasma, the ocean within, played the part. But of these three -- fiber, salt, and acid -- fiber is the greatest. In contemporary terms, it is the cure for wiry hair. Without any other treatment, bristle feels softer, and skin soothed, even before the first splash of water is applied.
The Power of the Dark Side
Soapmakers should rather formulate with Benefiber than vegetable glycerin, in my opinion. I suppose the long history of botanical creams and milk soaps shows that they've been trying, and there are limits. As a dabbler in the lather arts, I will touch my flaxseed infusion freezer pop to the inside of a scuttle, and thus quickly add a preservative-free, water-based botanical active. Try a pinch of psyllium husk powder, if you've got it. Fiber seems to bring balance to the osmotic force in lather, protecting from the deeper destruction of sugar, and soothing glycerin's sting. Still, I sense greater power in its consumption. FEEL the fiber, let it flow... Artisans and corporations might never productize what the enlightened master can accomplish, right now, in the kitchen. (Vanishes, leaving an empty bathrobe and a shaving brush.)
In Conclusion
Gentlemen... ladies. I congratulate you, more than myself. Frederick Douglass said, "Once you learn to read, you will be forever free." Let history record that I was but a fool and a slave, shaving every wrong way suggested to me, learning everything the hard way. I don't know if what I've done could add up to a book (The Life of Launderville?) or what the market is for such a thing; but, I believe that with this disquisition, I have at least finally documented it all. The mission of this blogulific institution is thus fulfilled. To the future leaders of shaving: I wish you better luck.
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