Wife Coming Home Shave

Regular readers may have noticed "The Perfect Shave" being reverted to draft, pulled from the "Disquisitions" menu. It's going to take some time to shake down, and I was always reluctant to take that approach anyway. Not as long as before, since the elements are becoming truly atomic, irreducible in number, cost, and counterproductive effect. Today's shave might be a draft, though. I'd like to say "when the shave really counted," but all I've accomplished while she was out of town, was to fix my stupid lawnmower. The house is still a wreck, in stark contrast to hotel living... which means, it's unlikely I'll be "getting any."

As I wound around the yard, adding gasoline and barley notes to the Dollar General Classic Aftershave Splash I know she prefers, I wondered: is sex really relevant to shaving, after all? Women shave, and some find it to be just as enlightening as we do. Wet shaving culture has often taken the form of a kind of retrosexuality, with wonky audio and funny moustaches, which seems generally wrong. Though my best days may be behind me, personally, my own theory has been that men are essentially trying to look like children, when they shave, sort of advertising to women that they'd be good at making children. If not a "little blue shave," perhaps I had still made a romantic gesture.

But I don't think that's it, either. Look at these synonyms for "developmental, as in cultural" from an online thesaurus.
http://www.thesaurus.com/browse/developmental
Every one of those seems to apply to shaving, doesn't it? Reproduction is just one junction on the long and winding road of life. Shaving is a cultural analogue of evolution as a whole.
http://www.thesaurus.com/browse/evolution
"Transformation" -- now we're talking! You could take that in the hippity-dippity sense I found on the garden path, or simply as a change in appearance. Perfect.

So, without further ado, it is my great pleasure to present to you: the "Transsexual" shave... :D

  1. Dab 3 drops Jojoba oil all over the shaving area.
  2. Emulsify with 5ml witch hazel, U.S.P., cured overnight to evaporate the alcohol.
  3. Remove emulsion with a damp cloth.
  4. Wet the skin with pumpkin juice, applied frozen.
  5. Palm lather Williams. Whatever can't be lifted from the hand, emulsify with the pumpkin juice.
  6. Apply soaking wet cloth for hydration.
  7. Lather and shave.
  8. Rinse, dry, and apply moisturizer to wet skin so that it feels slick.
  9. Get pickups using the lightest pressure.
10. Mop up moisturizer with wrung cloth.
11. Rewet cloth and soak skin again to back off the glycerin.
12. Dry skin and apply dilute aftershave splash in a soaking wet cloth. Wring cloth and dry skin.
14. Rewet cloth and soak the skin in pure water. Wring cloth and dry skin.
15. Apply cocoa butter.